Paraphrased of course.
1. Your game says I need dice. What are dice?
2. My DM says that my half-demon half-Drow paladin assassin ninja isn’t a legal character. I think he’s just being jerk. I know I say a rule somewhere. Does anybody know where?
3. My players are complaining that I’m too stingy with XP. Heck, the campaign has only been going on for a year and they’re already second level.
4. How can I make Lolth my sex slave?
5. I’m really broke. Could someone please scan the book post it on the Internet?
6. The rest of my players are mad that I give my girlfriend extra XP when she puts out. I’m afraid if I stop giving her the XP then she won’t like me anymore. What should I do?
7. So the players gave an NPC a thoroughly logical and well thought out argument. But none of them had any social skills. So I told them that they failed. They got mad but rules are rules.
8. I can’t find character generation in rule book where is it?
9. I’m working on a home brew RPG. I need play testers. (Then this person is never heard from again.)
10. I read that a katana can cut through anything. It’s true because I’m an ex-Navy SEAL ninja.
We tried a campaign with an evil party. They did a good job at not being your average high school-screw the other character- evil, the players were totally who cares about about collateral damage and ends justify the means evil. And they were off to save the world. I know it sounds odd. But Evil folks like the world too and dang it if somebody is going to screw it up, it’s going to be them not some tentacle faced aberration. They actually started to role play and then this little scene played out:
Evil Wizard: I just learned that there is a powerful magical artifact hidden in a Good temple.
Evil Bard: Why don’t we just ask them for it? I’m sure they want to save the world too.
Evil Cleric: No way! Remember last time. That they saved the world. Did they ask us for our artifact? NO! They just stormed the place. Killed everybody, took our artifact and anything else that wasn’t nailed down.
Evil Fighter: He’s got a point. I think they even stole the furniture. What were they going to do with that?
So where do all the summoned animals come from? This came up in our little gaming group a while back. I mean just think about the Summon Nature’s Ally spell for Druids. Is there a room somewhere filled with animals just waiting to be summoned? I bet it looks like a bizarre cross between Grand Central Station and Noah’s Ark. I can just see a group of dire badgers sipping on double mocha lattes; just waiting for their number to come up.
”So, Bob. You heard what happened to Frank the other day?”
”Wasn’t he summoned by that druid Urban Spawl-Killer?”
”Yeah, he never came back. Just like that bear the other day.”
”Joe was such a nice guy.”
”We could ask Tom the Weasel. He came back.”
”Are you kidding? Tom went bat shit insane. He keeps screaming that the Orcs are gonna get him.”
”You ever notice that most of us never come back after being summoned. And the few that do, just don’t come back right.”
”Wow. It really sucks to be us.”
”Paging! Bob the dire badger. Bob the dire badger! You’ve been summoned by Urban Sprawl-Killer. Bob please report for summoning.”
Those fancy “at-will” powers in 4th Ed D&D ain’t nothing new. We had those back in the good old pure days of the One True White Box. Now it was simpler back then we didn’t mess with all those fancy Feats or “Skills” but each class had it’s own “at will” powers. Let me break it down for all you youngsters out there.
Fighter kill shit.
Thief steal shit. (There were no sissy Rogues. They were thieves. Dammit.)
Cleric heal shit.
Magic User blow up shit. (No, emo goth sorcerers. Just Wizards and we called them Magic Users.)
Now, get the hell of my lawn.
How many have you seen this? A party of low level adventurers tear through an Orc village leaving behind dozens of orphans. I know they always say ”It’s not my problem.” or ”We needed the XP.” But what about the children. For only a few copper pieces a day, you can sponsor an Orc child like Gutgnash here. You can make sure that he’s clothed and fed. And just for the cost of few XP per level, you can assure he gets an education and a couple of class levels. So, when a crazed Orc orphan driven by revenge comes looking for blood years later; he’ll actually be worth some XP to you. It’s an invest in all our futures. Won’t you please help?